DIDN’T ADD UP
Charles made the observation today that, when he encountered a grouping of five objects, he initially saw them as two sets — one with three and the other with two objects. Only when he mentally added them together would they make the total of five. Compounding that revelation was this perplexing mystery. How did those severed fingers, no matter the number, end up in his mailbox? And on a Sunday no less, when there was no scheduled mail delivery?
FROM Chapter One
FOR THE MOST PART, VERY UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES
MAKE WAY
Milton’s prostate, diagnosed as enlarged, had also become quite enraged and no longer content to block only his urine flow. Expressing newfound ambition, it was blocking traffic leading to the Lincoln Tunnel.
FROM Chapter One
FOR THE MOST PART, VERY UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES
BEAT IT
“Sixty percent of American women surveyed masturbate twice weekly.” Laverne thought this preposterous and furthermore, that Time Magazine was no place for such unnecessarily salacious content. She decided to unleash the resulting umbrage at her husband Egbert, when he returned from one of his vexingly frequent trips to the restroom. Laverne continued to read the already offending article. “One in four men, according to the same study, are masturbating right now.”
FROM Chapter Two
LOVE, SEX AND OTHER HIGHLY PERSONAL MATTERS
OF FEW WORDS
“You had me at – get in the trunk right now or I’ll shoot you here.”
ONLY CHILD
Although they rarely had visitors anymore, Moe had decided to err on the side of caution and to fish his father’s corpse out of the swimming pool and then bury it. Upon reflection, it seemed to him that these tasks most often fell to him. First his mother, then his sisters and brother and now his father, it was really exhausting work and entirely unfair. He nevertheless got to work. For after all, he was the only one left.
FROM Chapter Three
LIVES NOT ENTIRELY UNLIKE OUR OWN
THIN PREMISE
Unhappy with her body and after many attempts at weight loss, Carny decided to stop eating meat. In short order she began re-posting self righteous, militant vegan, Meat is Murder memes. She became so angry, filled with umbrage and subsequently hungry, that she ordered Jellied Panda Face from Amazon Prime. Upon taking delivery, she was arrested, deported and imprisoned in a far flung region of China. As her captors served only gruel, she became vegan again, thereby shedding 49 pounds and now, chained to a rock in the open sun, she also looked very hot.
FROM Chapter Three
LIVES NOT ENTIRELY UNLIKE OUR OWN